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- I'm being haunted by owls đŠ
I'm being haunted by owls đŠ
As Iâm writing this, itâs been five months since my aunt died. Somehow, itâs already kinda funny. Not how or when or why. But that, it really feels like she hasnât gone anywhereâstarting with her actual passing.
She died around 7:20 pm EST in a hospice center in NJ. Which was 4:20 pm (cool đ) PST for me⊠which was exactly-ish when we lost power in our apartment. The only unit in the whole complex.
While we waited for the electric company to flip what I imagine was a cartoon switch somewhere I couldnât reach, I decided to hang a metal street sign Iâd bought weeks earlier. For one âYeah, Iâll do it laterâ reason or another I hadnât put it up yet.
Of course itâs bothering me that one pair of my shoes isnât âhow I like it.â
It might read âPass with Careâ (loaded) but I see it as a âWelcomeâ signâand proof of the first visit/prank from Haunt Marie, as Iâve lovingly been referring to her. Itâs very like her to take quick cross-country flight to knock out our power â on her way to rest with my uncle somewhere in a national park, I assume. (He loved camping, and she, well, loved him.)
Since that first visit, Iâve seen her⊠everywhere. The actual first time I saw her was at her funeral in June. I kept seeing her in the negative space; like looking at the dotted outline of where she belonged.
Like in that loose space where my dad said he would write her eulogy but then didnât, or thought everyone should say a few words in her honor at dinner but then forgot to share that with the group. And maybe that sounds bad (oops), but it felt like a secret celebration of her â the familyâs plate spinner â to notice the ones that were crashing and/or were appropriately knocked over by her little brother.
I wish I had something gorgeous and poetic to say like: itâs hard to miss someone whoâs physically gone but lives vibrantly in your memory. Or hereâs a runner-up: I do truly believe thereâs a gravitational force between soulsâso youâll never be too far apart from those you love. Oh, I guess I did.
Another thing about my dead aunt
The week before she died, I flew home to say goodbye and before I leftâknowing it was the last time weâd âseeâ each otherâI asked her something.
âWhat do you want to be?â
She rightfully looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about.
âHow do you want me to know itâs you? You wanna be an owl?â
She smiled and nodded. That sounded good to her. See, her whole ~thing~ was owls: books, jewelry, art, tchotchkes. All owls.
And now thatâs all I see. Owl figurines, owl mugs, owl pillows, owl shirts. Owls everywhere. Not a real live one, thoughâI think sheâs saving that for my midlife crisis.
Have there always been this many owls? Probably. I just notice them nowâand they mean so much more to me. Theyâre like a regularly scheduled grief alarm that buzzes to make me stop. Remember. Honor. Smile.
New album just dropped.
I guess all thatâs to say: stop and see the owls. But (I hate this) hoo am I to say.
Funny now: Itâs my nonnaâs 96th birthday today and Iâm celebrating by dropping this lil trailer for my new podcast, SOCIAL CUES, coming to your ears and hearts soon! If youâve ever had a social interaction thatâs left you wondering âDid I just make that weird?,â then this is the pod for you.