Thought I'd be deep in the woods today 🏕️

Today, I was supposed to be in the wilderness as part of a week-long shoot for a comedy documentary about how climate change is deeply impacting and disrupting ecosystems—with unprecedented California rains dropping water where it shouldn’t be. (A whole lake has resurfaced which might sound “good” but is, in fact, “bad.”)

I had so many fun bits planned:

• “I specifically asked for the “Captain Planet” when I got my haircut a couple weeks ago.”

• “As someone who has never camped before, I’m out here with a group of men to really earn my Queer Card. Even though this how every horror movie starts.”

• “These anti-trans bills are chopping down kids left and right across this country, but somehow these trees are protected. (to a giant Sequoia) What’s the secret? Please tell me. You’ve been alive since before Aristotle taught Alexander the Great and I’m gonna be outlived by every billionaire on the planet.”

• “These national parks are supposed to be for everyone and yet it really feels like it’s just a place for cis white men to go sleep on the ground and pretend their life is hard.”

• “We’re always talking about the garbage island in the Pacific Ocean, but everyone forgets about the one in the Atlantic Ocean—Staten Island. I can say that, I’m from New Jersey — the Staten Island of the West.”

• “Nature itself is pretty queer, just look at the flora of the Yosemite Valley: Corn lily, Beardtongues, Elegant clarkia, Showy milkweed. Those are gorgeous drag names.”

• “Lake Tulare is like the Viagra of nature: it’s just not supposed to be this wet at this age.”

• “Climate change is a math problem. The numbers are big and the timelines are tight. This is like sitting at the kitchen table getting yelled at by my dad all over again.”

• “Scientists say that if we act now, we can still limit global warming to 2 degrees Celsius. Any more than that and we’ll push conditions past any point that any human civilization has had to experience. Well, except lesbians. We’ve already lost so many lesbian bars—the natural habitat of people who just want somewhere nice and quiet to go. Maybe you’re not taking this seriously because you’re not a lesbian so let me put this in terms you’ll understand: what if there was only one Buffalo Wild Wings in your state? Pretty scary stuff.”

I was so excited to go, I spent my whole stipend at REI despite everyone saying “No, you really don’t have to” and “Nikki, stop wearing your headlamp in the house.”

Where am I instead?

I’m on a plane to New Jersey to—I assume—say goodbye to my aunt, who until Monday, didn’t realize how fast her cancer was killing her. None of us did. I’ve been sobbing buckets onto my keyboard, also dropping water where it shouldn’t be. (Is “crymate change” anything?)

There’s something eerily poetic here. My plan was to be surrounded by an environment that’s been impacted by humans, but now I’m en route to surround a human impacted by her environment.

And now I’m working on the worst bit a person can, outside an improv class—a eulogy. About a year ago, my aunt said she wanted me to write one for her “just in case” and I guess I’ve been procrastinating for long enough. We both have. I hate that it’s time to break that glass, but here’s what I’ve got so far:

• “Jesus fucking Christ, this sucks absolute ass.”

But also:

• “Nearly 70 years ago, the Palumbos made their way from Italy to America by way of the Atlantic Ocean, narrowly avoiding an island of garbage—Staten Island—to settle on a peninsula of trash—New Jersey.”

• “Aunt Marie was 6-7 years old and the only one who didn’t get sea sick on the boat. Leave it to an Aquarius.”

• “She ended up spending the rest of her life on her sea legs, guiding the rest of us, whether she knew what was going on or not. And like a great captain, you’d never know if she was just winging it.”

Can’t wait to see what ChatGPT comes up with.

Funny now: Check out my buds over at Treehuggers Comedy who are making moves and grooves through General Grant Grove today and documenting their entirely electric-and-solar expedition.